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Wednesday, March 31, 2004
First, Kill All The Lawyers

Second, make sure they're dead. I recommend head shots if you have any doubts.

I have often heard it said that "We Are a Nation of Laws". What complete and utter horseshit. We are a nation of lawyers. Some portion of every day I work is spent dealing with lawyers. Since part of what we do is dealing with deadbeats who haven't paid us in years, we often find that many of them turn to lawyers to help them weasel out of their debts. Here's a brief summary of the typical demand letter I get:

Dear Jeff D:

I represent Joe Deadbeat, whom you claim allegedly owes you $5674.43. My client has never borrowed a dime from anyone in his life. Futhermore, by having the unmitigated gall to write to my client, tracking him through three address changes in eighteen months (did it ever occur to you that my client did not desire to hear from you?), demanding that he pay his... er, I mean, this ALLEGED debt, you are in violation of the FDCPA, FCRA, CNN, MSNBC, and we are considering recommending that you be prosecuted under the RICO statutes. We will also be seeking damages in the amount of ONE (1) BILLION DOLLARS.

However, in the interest of resolving this matter amicably, my client agrees to pay $125.91 as satisfaction in full of this ALLEGED debt, provided you delete all mention of this matter from my client's credit report.

Pretty sleazy, huh? When I get one of these, I know without opening my eyes that: A) They've been denied a loan because banks have this funny rule about not lending money to people who have a history of stiffing other lenders, B) They've logged onto and gotten sold on the idea that for only $400, our crack team of legal negotiators can clean up your credit! which all hinges on the gamble that C) It's been long enough that we won't be able to validate the debt and they get off scott-free, but just in case, they hedge their bet with a lowball offer to settle the entire amount. Here's my typical response letter:

Dear Suckbag Lowlife C-Minus-Average Attorney:

Didn't have the grades to do bankruptcies or divorce, huh? I have received your letter and sneer at your baseless accusations.
HERE is a copy of the original contract creating this debt, complete with your client's signature.
HERE is a copy of his past payment history, before he decided to become a welshing piece of shit.
HERE is a photocopy of my hand, with the middle finger extended. Tell your client to pay this debt, or I'm gonna drive a Mack truck up his ass.

Jeff D.

Then we go back and forth a few times and we usually end up settling for eliminating the interest charges past a certain point and taking a lump sum payment just so we can get back to really screwing servicing our other customers. But don't take my word for it - ask a lawyer. Steve H. explains how lawyers in their larval stage learn how to generate bullshit out of thin air in "moot court," which is supposedly where they learn to argue:

One nice thing about having judges who make no effort to read the record is that you can stick it to your opponents by making up cases as you go. I only did this once, as far as anyone can prove.

You: Your honor, it may be true that my client backed over Mr. Opperman’s children at Mr. Opperman’s Nobel Prize reception by bumping the gearshift while making love to Mrs. Opperman on the dashboard of Mr. Opperman’s new Lexus using non-UL-approved electronic marital aids plugged into the cigarette lighter, but I would point out that Florida law caps compensatory damages at seventy-eight cents in cases where the plaintiff’s last name begins with “O.”

Judge: Do you have a case for that?

You: Certainly. I would cite the well-known case of...[looking at your watch to buy precious seconds]...Seiko...berg...versus...[noticing your partner’s shoes]...Bruno Magli.

Judge: What court decided that case?

You: Why, it’s the Court of Appeals for the...Thir....teenth District, your honor. In nineteen...[shrugging]...o...eight...ty-seven.

Judge: I’ll be damned. I guess you win.

You: Your honor, the case also holds that plaintiff’s counsel has to treat defense counsel to Pizza Hut.

Judge: So ordered.

Your Opponent: HEY!

Just for the record, my wife's family uses the word "moot" as code when they want to say "shit" - as in "you're full of moot."

'Nuff said.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Accessorize Your Ride

It looks like another banner month at work. With two days to go, we've already surpassed our revenue goals and the question is not "Will there be a bonus?" but "How fat will the check be?" Now I need to find something to blow it on. But what do you get the man who has everything?

How about a Trunk Monkey? (Just click on one of the pictures to see a video)

I thought about getting one for my Republican Attack Wagon. It's a 2003 Ford Expedition with what I like to think of as the "Teddy Roosevelt" package: huge, inefficient V8 that gets 4 MPG while pumping fragrant toxins into the atmosphere, plush endangered baby Black Rhinoceros hide seats, made extra supple by the tears of the Third World child laborers who stitched together the upholstery at 10 cents per day and no bathroom breaks, roof-mounted DVD player with surround sound, and an extra-spacious center console with enough room for two bottles of wine, a box of cigars, and two large-frame .45 caliber automatics, should it become necessary to repel boarders. Then I realized - I don't have a trunk! Maybe I need a Console Monkey.

Thanks to Random Nuclear Strikes for the link.

Monday, March 22, 2004
Good Evening, Sheikh Yassin

Would you prefer smoking or non-smoking? Very good, monsieur. Smoking it is!

I only wish I could be there to piss on your grave, you murderous piece of shit.

Repatriate's Continuing Adult Education Series

Today's lecture, "The Efficacy of Appeasement," is adapted from a discussion I recently had with my older brother, fellow traveler, and pioneer in the field of Pacifist Removal Technology. We'll call him Expatriate Alex. At least, until he moves his prodigal ass back home.

Anyway, this is his field exercise proving the ineffectiveness of appeasement. If you wish to duplicate this experiment, you will need: one (1) room with a lockable door, and one (1) pacifist who believes that violence never solves anything. Alex found a participant named "Steve".

Alex: Okay, Steve. The door is now locked. You're not going anywhere. And in ten minutes, I'm gonna kick your ass.

Steve: Wh..What are you talking about?!!

Alex: Just what I said - I'm going to beat the shit out of you. In... nine minutes and forty-five seconds.

Steve: But, but... WHY?!!

Alex: Because I don't like you, Steve. I don't like people like you. I don't much care for people named Steve, either. Doesn't really matter, though. Nine minutes, twenty-seven seconds.

Steve: This is nuts! I'm not...

Alex: Steve! I don't think you get it. You ARE getting your ass kicked, whether you like it or not, no matter what you say. Now, you can try to reason with me, beg, or swear to stop doing whatever it is that is pissing me off, but in hmm... eight minutes and forty-five seconds, I'm kicking your ass. You're wasting valuable appeasement time here, Steve. Don't you think you'd better get started? Just as long as you realize that it doesn't matter what you say, because, like I said, you're getting your ass kicked. In... seven minutes and fifty seconds.

As Alex explained later, "You may actually have to kick their ass. Some of these appeasniks are so far gone they just can't understand that talking won't save their ass - because I'm not listening.

An unassailable, gritty, real-world truism, my friends: Might Makes Right. You may not like it, you may think it's wrong, but the majority of the planet operates on that very principle. Look at the Africans hacking each other to pieces. Look at the Albanians and Serbs. How about the Israelis and Palestinians? Grab your bullhorn and sit in front of a bulldozer - see how well it worked out for Rachel Corrie? PEACEFUL RESISTANCE IS ONLY AS EFFECTIVE AS YOUR OPPONENT IS CIVILIZED.

Imagine if instead of the British Empire, Mahatma Ghandi led his pacifist movement against Nazi Germany. They would have flayed his peace-loving ass alive and made lampshades, wallets and belts from his skin. If Rosa Parks had refused to give up her seat in 1970s South Africa, she'd have done 25 years in solitary confinement.

Refusing to defend yourself or trying to placate an enemy who is determined to exterminate you doesn't get you peace. It gets you dead.

Repatriate: Educating stupid hippies one ass-kicking at a time.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004
And Now, Puny Voter... You Will Kneel Before Zod!

It's obvious that kids aren't taught civics in school anymore. That's why you get so many numbwits these days who actually believe the Constitution starts with "Four score and seven years ago." I guess that's why I wrongly assumed that to be elected to Congress, you had to actually have more than a nodding acquaintance with our founding document. Apparently, you don't.

That's how some idiot representative from Kentucky came up with House Resolution 3920, or as I like to think of it, The Wiping Our Asses With the Constitution Act. This stinker, brought to you by Republican representative Ron Lewis (proving that idiocy truly has no flag), basically seeks to eliminate the check that the judicial branch has on the legislative branch. In short, any future Supreme Court decision could be overturned by a two-thirds vote in both the House of Representatives and the Senate. But I'm sure they'd only use their newfound powers for good, wouldn't they?

Congress: We, your representatives and Senators, have decided to give ourselves million-dollar salary increases. By the way, we also decided that we are now elected for life. And we shall no longer pay taxes. And we have decided to sell Oregon.

Supreme Court: We unanimously reject this bill as unconstitutional and the most egregious example of the usurpation of the legislative process this august body has encountered in the history of our nation.

Congress: Fools! We have mustered the requisite votes to pass this into law without your approval. We are as gods!

Supreme Court: Clearly, the founding fathers never intended...


Clearly, this is a fictional representation of an implausible situation. The Supreme Court would never defend the Constitution. The stupid thing is, this whole thing started with a legitimate complaint about judicial activism.

“America’s judicial branch has become increasingly overreaching and disconnected from the values of everyday Americans,” said Lewis. “The recent actions taken by courts in Massachusetts and elsewhere are demonstrative of a single branch of government taking upon itself the singular ability to legislate. These actions usurp the will of the governed by allowing a select few to conclusively rule on issues that are radically reshaping our nation’s traditions.”

I'm with you so far, Mr. Lewis. But not up to and over the edge of the cliff, dumbass! Talk about swatting at the fly on your nose with a sledgehammer. Obviously, judicial review is a topic that clearly needs to be addressed in this country. I happen to side with Andrew Jackson, who feared exactly the scenario we face today, that judges with lifetime appointments would eventually lose their minds and start with the social engineering via the bench. When those Massachusetts Supreme Court ordered the Massachusetts legislature to draft a law protecting gay marriage, I waited breathlessly for the angry mob of villagers to hang them with their own robes. I'm still waiting.

That's how far we've fallen in this country. Is there no one left besides me and a few others who've even read the Constitution? It's the instruction manual! It tells you how the process is supposed to work! Does everybody just assume that what happened in Massachusetts is no big deal?

Andrew Jackson favored making our highest justices electable. It only makes sense, and it's in keeping with our republic's tradition: if they're doing a shitty job, don't vote for them next time. I don't know what the term limits should be, but the longer their asses polish that bench, it seems, the more brain cells they rub away.

Representative Lewis and his dumbass co-sponsors should be sent home. They can come back, but I want an essay from each one of them on "What the Constitution Means to Me," and it should only require one sentence.

It means exactly what it says.

hat tip: The Neal Boortz Show

Saturday, March 06, 2004
Refusing to Drink the Homo Kool-Aid

I'm pretty damn tired of all the gay marriage debate that has been going around lately. I'm even more tired at what seems to be shaping up to be the general consensus - there's nothing wrong with homosexuality, they're in love, why must you be so mean? And what about the children? Wouldn't you rather they be in a loving (homosexual) home rather than a cold, drafty orphanage or an abusive foster home? It's not their fault, after all - they didn't choose to be this way - you're just a bigot, a homophobe, a Republican.

Well, I've had enough of this shit. Today, if you do not concede that homosexuals are nice, worthy, fashionable pillars of society that have been cruelly denied their most basic dignities and human rights, then you are an anachronistic ogre who probably can't distinguish a Prada shoe from a Manolo Blahnik. In other words, if you don't drink the fucking Kool-Aid they're serving, then you're a bigot and your opinion is automatically discounted. The only way to keep your "Open-Minded" merit badge is to close your mind to any dissenting opinion, drink that purple juice, and find a nice place to lie down. Fuck that. I'm tired of laying down and taking it.

For the record, let me just state the main reason I disapprove of homosexuality. I am a Christian and I believe it's just wrong. And for me, that reason is good enough. However, I don't require that anyone adopt my belief system just to make my point. I think the facts about homosexuality are damning enough, and you don't have to share my religious beliefs to recognize bullshit when you see it.

Another disclaimer: I am tolerant of homosexuals. I have hired homosexuals knowing that I could have passed them over, but I believed they were the best qualified for a given job. I am unfailingly polite with those I encounter, and in New Orleans, there are many to encounter. I truly don't care what they do in the privacy of their bedroom, just like I believe they don't care what I do in the privacy of mine. But now they're out of the bedroom and in your face. And tolerance is no longer enough. Now they demand our approval, and that's where I draw the line.

Nature vs. Nurture
This is an argument you don't hear much anymore. That's because without producing one shred of evidence that homosexuality is a genetic trait, the gay community has managed to convince large numbers of people that they are born that way. This was done by a carefully orchestrated propaganda campaign, beginning with changing the lexicon. Remember the term "sexual preference"? It's now called "sexual orientation" and I bet you can't tell me when it replaced the earlier term. Hell, it's not even "homosexual" anymore - it's "Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Trans-Gendered or Questioning." Sounds much more scientific, doesn't it? Somebody please explain to me a genetic trait that manifests itself solely through sexual behavior and that also cuts across every known racial, ethnic and even gender group. There's also the fact that homosexuality is a biological dead end - they cannot reproduce. What would Darwin say? He'd say that if homosexuality was a genetic mutation, nature would select against it, as it is not a survival trait and there is no way to pass those genes to successive generations. So why are there still homosexuals?

And the Winner is... Nurture
Why do gentlemen prefer blondes? Why do some priests prefer young boys? What is that guy doing with his dick in that chicken?! Children look to their parents for an example of what an adult relationship is supposed to be. That's why the nuclear family, sneered at by a generation of rebellious baby boomers, is once again being "discovered" as vitally important in raising healthy, happy children. At the same time, outside influences tug kids in other directions, strife and dissent in the home create rebellious kids, parents are afraid to tell their kids NO to anything, but are admonished to let them "explore and express themselves," meaning "let them indulge every selfish whim". Liberal elements in our school system are at FagCon One, eager to churn out new recruits. Children are encouraged to consider that they may be homosexual (What about having them assume they're not?). Shows like Will and Grace and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy seep into the national consciousness. Schoolbooks like Heather Has Two Mommies are part of the curriculum being taught to grade-schoolers.

It's all become part of the background hum. With a multi-pronged propaganda blitz through our education system and mass media, homosexuals have managed to glue a thin veneer of respectability, legitimacy, and even desirability on what anyone with common sense can see is their ugly base material: sexual deviancy.

The Emperor has no clothes. Even worse, both his nipples are pierced.

The Slippery Slope
So now you want to get married. Here comes the anecdotal evidence that homosexual relationships are far superior to "straight" unions, which are riddled with divorce, abuse and ruined childhoods. Sure, some families are pretty fucked up - that would go a long way towards explaining why so many kids become homosexuals - OOPS!! I mean, are born homosexual. Garcon! More Kool-Aid! People keep shoving this lesbian couple from San Francisco in our face. "Why, they've been together 51 years!" My wife's grandparents have been married for 66 years, have eight children, over thirty grandchildren, several great-grandchildren, and even two great-great-grandchildren. Their legacy will live on, long after Rosie O'Donnell's bitter, man-hating dyke bones have turned to dust. This battle is about the future - anyone who says different is either lying or fooling themselves.

The slippery slope argument I've been hearing against homo marriage is valid, but it's the wrong one. I don't think courthouses will be flooded with quartets, father/daughter pairs, or man/dog couples seeking to marry. However, if sitcoms featuring incest or bestiality become Must See TV, it's only a matter of time before some chickenfucker mayor in California starts issuing interspecies marriage licenses.

The real problem is what happens to our future. If homosexuals are legally married, they'll demand it be taught in schools as normal, moral and healthy behavior. They won't have to worry about how to reproduce, because in-vitro fertilization on demand will become the new "woman's right." By the way - we'll be paying for that, too. Look for more Thought Crime legislation to stamp out dissent, such as my screed here. My views are obviously unacceptable because they consist of me telling somebody that what they're doing is wrong. And there's obviously no wrong anymore - just different. Diverse. Horseshit.

No one is saying homosexuals can't have sex, cohabitate, leave property to each other, or visit one another in the hospital. Has anyone ever heard of a general power of attorney? How much more tolerant can we be? But now you want me to pronounce your deviant sexual proclivities as normal, natural and okay. Well it's not okay - and fuck you for trying. Voices like mine, no matter how representative of the majority they may be, are in danger of being drowned out by a vocal minority who operate in a constant fit of pique. And who with any common sense can maintain a fever-pitch of outrage for any length of time? Much easier to try to ignore them. Maybe they'll just go away. Besides, I have a headache.

That's right. Just take a few sips and lie down, America. It'll all be over soon.

Thursday, March 04, 2004
Danger is My Middle Name

Lately I've been thinking I want to take up reloading as a hobby. Reloading ammunition, that is. I have a pistol in .45 ACP and a rifle in .45-70 Government and ammo ain't cheap. Plus, there aren't a lot of factory-loaded options for rifle calibers like mine. So, like I do before starting any new project, I bought a book about reloading. I started leafing through it, mmm-hmmm, mmm-hmmm, pretty thorough, I thought. Then I turned to the inside cover where the "About the Author" page is, and noticed something odd.


Hard to believe? Feast your eyes.

So, like an imbecile, I show the page to my wife. She looks at it and turns to me.
"You're going to learn how to load ammunition from somebody who blew his hands off?"
"Yes, honey."

Pray for me.

Monday, March 01, 2004
Score One For Louisiana

My beloved home state has suffered it's share of embarassments in the past. Look at who we've had representing us on the national stage: Edwin Edwards, David Duke, Huey P. Long, Jerry Lee Lewis, Britney Spears... need I go on?

Oh, but I think I do! When Louisiana makes the news, you know it's not good. Like when The Phantom Snuggler was terrorizing female students at Louisiana State University.

Freshman Kaylin Spence says she woke up last Sunday to find the intruder in her bed trying to embrace her.

"I woke up with a guy with his arms around my waist and realized that was not right," Spence said on ABCNEWS' Good Morning America. "I saw my window was wide open and he had clearly come in through the window," she said.

At first Spence thought the guy was carrying out a practical joke at the encouragement of one of the friends who were sleeping over at her home that weekend.

But when she realized the snuggler wasn't laughing, Spence became quite disturbed.

"Finally, I said, 'Who are you? What are you doing?' He's like, 'I'm Steve. I said, 'I don't know a Steve.' I said, 'Get out, I don't know you.' He said OK and got up and left," Spence said.

Did you hear that? "I don't know a Steve." You cannot make this stuff up, folks. When I saw that on the national news, the wife and I looked at each other and just hung our heads. "THIS is why people think everyone from Louisiana is a shitkicker," she told me. It got worse.

Kelly said other female students at LSU have reported waking up to find their clothes neatly folded. Others said they woke to find all of their shoes had been perfectly arranged overnight.

Louisiana has always been a cross to bear. That's why we've had it. THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN, HERE! That's why I'm proud to annouce that our Secretary of State, Fox McKeithen, backed by a district judge, told Al Sharpton to shove it up his ass!

Attorneys for the Rev. Al Sharpton say they will not appeal a court ruling keeping his name off the state's March 9 Democratic presidential primary ballot.
District Court Judge Curtis Calloway ruled Feb. 19 that Secretary of State Fox McKeithen was correct not to put Sharpton's name on the ballot after his campaign failed to complete filing forms and sent an improper check as his qualifying fee.

He filed his application late, didn't fill out how he wanted his name to appear on the ballot, and failed to send in certified funds to cover his registration fees. The Secretary's office tried to reach him, but he had listed a contact number on his application that was disconnected! This dumbass sent in a personal check, postdated to February 29th, and when finally contacted, allegedly tried to get one of his local lickspittles to bring cash to pay the filing fees, but he never showed up!

Tired of bending over backward for this idiot, it was announced that Sharpton would be barred from the ballot. Of course, he filed suit, but a District Judge ruled in favor of the state. I'd love to see him waste more money to make an ass of himself, but he's decided to conserve his resources and pursue humiliation in front of a wider audience. Pity, Al. We could've kicked your ass all day. All this and a National Championship, too.

My cup runneth over.