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Tuesday, January 27, 2004
 
Quagmire

599 Americans killed in the past year. How many more have to die before Bush gets the United States out of Chicago?

We never should have been there in the first place.



 
Martha Stewart Assassination Piece

Let's get right to it, shall we? I've been hearing a lot of calls for leniency for Martha Stewart lately. This pisses me off on so many levels that I almost can't describe it. But I'll try.

"What's the big deal? All she did was sell some stock."
WRONG, dummy. She didn't "just sell some stock," she sold stock at an inflated price KNOWING it was going to tank the very next day. And somebody BOUGHT that stock. For every seller, there is a buyer - that's what everyone seems to forget. Stock isn't something you buy at KMart and return later if it doesn't perform to your expectations, like some shitty houseware product from say, the Martha Stewart Living Collection, for example. She knowingly screwed those buyers out of their money. That's insider trading, holmes, and it's a felony.

"They're just trying to make an example of her because she's a successful woman."
No, they're trying to make an example out of her because she's a fucking criminal. These are the same whiners that scream for the heads of Jack Welch, Kenneth Lay and Michael Eisner because God knows only white men can be capable of such base desires as greed. When it's Martha, or the left's favorite ball-breaking bitch, Hillary Clinton, their apologists will go to any extremes to cover up THEIR corporate malfeasance.

In 1978, Hillary Clinton, a novice to the options game, achieved a 10,000% return on her $1000 investment in cattle futures. Hillary defended herself by saying she was just an ace trader. Later she said she didn't make any of the trade decisions. Apparently, she is such a fucking financial whiz kid that even after her world record success rate on over 80% of her trades, she hasn't made another trade since 1979. Or maybe that was all Tyson foods needed to bring her (and her governor husband) into the fold.

And since when is making an example of someone a bad thing? If I had done the same thing as Martha, you never would have heard about it. When the head of a multi-million dollar media and retail empire goes to jail, EVERYBODY takes notice. "Hey, maybe money CAN'T keep me out of jail if I fuck up." This presumably has a deterrent effect on all the other robber barons, right? And isn't Sticking It To The Man what all you lefty numbnuts are about? I mean, they're rich too, aren't they? Petard. Your own. Hoisted.
Now we just need to tar and feather the Hildebeast and we can call it a day.

Stupid White Women.



Tuesday, January 20, 2004
 
The Myth of Unemployment in America

I am thirty-one years old and have never been unemployed. Let me qualify that statement: I have never been involuntarily unemployed. Every time I needed a job, it never took me longer than a week to find one. I looked in the "Help Wanted" section of my local newspaper, called to arrange interviews, and usually within a few days found myself hired. Some jobs paid better than others, some required physical labor, and most required long hours. But they all fulfilled the most important criteria of employment: they allowed me to pay my bills and keep Uncle Sam's well-chewed titty out of my mouth.

Yes, welfare bums, that was a slur aimed at you. For all of you out there on the dole (which is to say, on MY nickel), complaining about how you lost your job and you can't find work, my advice is this - GET OFF YOUR ASS. If you're on your sixth month of unemployment benefits, it's not that you can't find work, it's that you're in hiding, hoping that work doesn't find YOU. The excuse "There are no jobs out there" is bullshit. I defy anyone to show me a newspaper from any sizable American town with an empty "Help Wanted" section. The excuse at this point usually morphs to "Well, there are no good jobs out there."

Now we're getting somewhere. You're too good to drive a truck, cut grass, clean toilets, cook food, wash dishes, or paint houses, but you're not too good to accept handouts indefinitely. So, if that Wal-Mart greeter job paid $40,000 per year, you could conceivably be bothered to apply for it, but until that day, you'd rather Uncle Sugar just took some of my money and handed it over to you. So what you're really saying is that you don't want a JOB, you want a CHECK.

"But, Jeff," you say. "I HAD a good job in manufacturing until the Mexicans/Chinese/Indians/Oompa Loompas took it away." What's your point? In a free market, that's how the price of goods gets lower - by reducing the cost of producing them. Maybe your ex-employer remembered that the whole purpose of manufacturing products and selling them is to make a profit, not to be bled white by the unreasonable demands of union leeches. Of course, owners actually wanting to make a profit is greedy, right? And expecting limitless raises for the exact same output is reasonable, right? The owner of the company I work for, a pure capitalist if ever there was one, puts it like this:

IF YOU GET A RAISE, AND THE COMPANY BRINGS IN THE SAME AMOUNT OF REVENUE, THEN THE OWNER TAKES A PAY CUT. THE OWNER DOESN'T LIKE HAVING HIS PAY CUT.

If that sounds unfair and greedy to you, I have a suggestion. Start your own business. Give everyone raises regardless of performance or function. Give that janitor $70,000 per year and five weeks of paid vacation - he's just as important as everyone else, right? And when your company goes bankrupt AND EVERYONE LOSES THEIR JOBS, because you couldn't afford their unrealistic salary demands, remember I told you so. I used to run a restaurant here in New Orleans and when hiring cooks, I always let them know up front that there was a definite ceiling on their earnings potential. If you want to get rich, don't become a cook. Become a restaurant owner.

I hate to keep rubbing it in, but here's another harsh truth: In the future, there may no longer be a need for what you do. Maybe the market for custom leather slide-rule belt holders has dried up. Maybe the hula-hoop factory you counted on retiring from shut down or moved. Either way, you are now unemployed and there is no one looking for a worker with your skills. Do you:
A: Move to where there are jobs in your field,
B: Learn a new skill and get a different job, or
C: Blame President Bush for "losing" your job and belly up to the unemployment trough.

Everyone knows that when the automobile became popular, buggy whip manufacturers went out of business. Well, not all of them. This buggy whip manufacturer realized that if they were going to stay in business, they had better change with the times. Nearly a century later, they're still around.

Losers whine about how difficult and how unfair it is that they're unemployed. Winners bounce back, take two or three jobs if that's what's required to support their family, and constantly strive to create new and better opportunities.

Uncle Sugar won't let you starve to death - maybe that's why there are so many "unemployed." If we continue to subsidize laziness, people will continue to sit on their asses in record numbers. I believe unemployment benefits should expire after four weeks. Welfare benefits should expire after eight weeks.

In this country, assistance has been replaced with subsistence. All you wonderful, caring Democrats out there have created a dependent class that sucks up our tax dollars along with the soothing pablum of "it's not your fault" that you constantly feed them, while producing nothing of it's own, except more votes for Democratic candidates. Garbage In, Garbage Out.

I think it's time to change the menu. Here's an idea - rescind voting rights for anyone currently on government assistance. I'm paying the check, and I'll be damned if you're gonna order the lobster.

Tough Love - it's what's for dinner.




Thursday, January 15, 2004
 
Getting Soft on Hitler

No, not me. I'm talking about all those morons comparing Bush to Hitler. If you google "Bush Hitler," you'll get over 500,000 returns. Granted, I'm sure a lot of them were either straight-news reporting of idiots comparing Bush to Hitler or opposing opinion pieces attacking the attackers. But still, think of it - over half a MILLION pages putting Bush and Hitler in the same context.

Reflect for a moment on how fucking stupid you have to be to make that argument:

Body Count
Hitler - Six million Jews, hundreds of thousands (at least) of Gypsies, the retarded, and the deformed. Attempts global conquest resulting in over 40,000,000 deaths.
Bush - Perhaps 10,000 dead enemy troops, about 500 of our own, and an undetermined number of civilian deaths while freeing 20,000,000 from the grip of a murderous tyrant.
Xenophobia Factor
Hitler - convinced entire German nation that they were the Master Race, beleaguered by the evil Jews, a mongrel race seeking to usurp the economic output of the entire world!
Bush - announces new national anthem - "O Come, All Ye Mexicans."
Home Front
Hitler - had the unswerving support of an adoring nation as he sought to defend the Fatherland from the depredations of the Jews and other "mud people."
Bush - has a bunch of fucking idiots comparing him to Hitler!

Now, this was going to be a rant about Bush's detractors but curiosity got the better of me and I googled "Clinton Hitler." I got over 260,000 hits! Apparently, back in the halcyon days of the 1990s when Hillary Bill Clinton was president and All Was Right With The World, he raised the ire of, among others, the People United in Support of Serbian Yahoos, or PUSSY, for short. It seems that these PUSSYs, far from being outraged at the mass rape, plunder and attempted genocide committed by the Serbian government, were upset at the Clinton's use of force in the Balkans. Funny, because I was one of the Jackbooted Stormtroopers from 1993 - 1999 and I don't remember participating in any atrocities. Man, I miss all the good stuff.

The point is, even Clinton, who like his PUSSY friends, is so timid about using force for any reason, even if it means killing murderers to save innocent life, can't avoid being painted with the Hitler brush. I don't care what anyone has done - if you're comparing them to Hitler, you're fucking wrong. Let's recap - Hitler was the WORST murderer in the history of the entire world. Stalin and Mao may edge him on total body count, but Hitler turned his every last one of his countrymen into an accessory to mass murder and dragged the entire world into war. Think I'm full of shit? Holocaust denial is a federal crime in Germany to this day. There never has been, and probably never will be another figure so detestable and loathsome as Adolf Hitler. Ask the Jews - Hitler is the boogeyman, and rightly so. His crimes against humanity set a new standard for cruelty, hatred and evil.

Find another way to express your dislike for whomever it is you disagree with or despise. Don't compare apples to Hitler, dumbass. The only person that could possibly compare to Hitler is Hitler!

The end result of injecting Hitler into every argument is that it waters down his legacy. Each careless mention of his name dulls our collective memory just a little bit more. Reagan refusing to bend to the Soviets, yet offering to share SDI with them? He's Hitler! Clinton bombing Kosovo? He's Hitler! Bush invades Iraq, deposes a tyrant, then hands the country back over to it's people? He's Hitler! Michael Jackson molests a twelve year-old boy? He's Willy Wonka! Your target's acts don't get elevated to Hitler's level, Hitler's crimes get watered down to theirs. That cannot be allowed.

Froth at the mouth all you want about what the object of your wrath has done to us all this time. Just keep your ravings in perspective. Whoever they are, THEY AREN'T HITLER. For example, that Howard Dean fella, when his short ass is up at the podium, yelling and banging his fist, getting red in the face, raising his voice as he exhorts his legions of fanatical followers to rise up and resist the rich ruling class and take back The Fatherland America, he kinda reminds me of...

Oh, shit. Dean IS Hitler.




Wednesday, January 07, 2004
 
For Those About to Retire

May I show you something in a nice .45 caliber bullet? Yes, Baby Boomers, you have hacked me off once again.

Two weeks ago, my wife and I had our first outing (alone) since our baby was born and we decided to take in a movie. The one we agreed on was "Something's Gotta Give," a romantic comedy starring acclaimed geezers Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. Manly Disclaimer: fearing estrogen poisoning, I returned home immediately after the show to play with the new rifle my wife bought me for Christmas.

As it was the day after Christmas, we found ourselves in a lengthy line waiting to be let into the show. To my disgust, it was packed with Baby Boomers and the Already Old. Even worse, it was a mostly female crowd. The gaggle of Boomer hens in front of us were complimenting themselves, not each other - but themselves, mind you, on how good their clothes looked and how pleased they were with their hair. To the right of them a pack of the Undead Elderly were cataloguing illnesses, bowel movements, and People Who Have Recently Died. I could almost feel the tax dollars being sucked from my wallet as I stood there, my wife with her hand on my arm and giving me her look which says, "Whatever you are thinking right now, do NOT say it out loud." I guess I need to work on my poker face.

Finally the crowd starts shuffling into the theater, maddeningly slow. I could feel the rage building inside. We took our seats and I craned my neck around, taking in dozens of incidents of "Somebody's sitting there, can't you see the purse on the seat?" and "I don't like these chairs" and "It's too cold in here."

I could no longer contain my anger. "Look at these cocksuckers, honey! Look!" I hissed. "These are the fuckers who voted for Clinton!" She just nodded her head sagely. Or perhaps she was just humoring me. She has been known to do that.

I guess what pisses me off most about Baby Boomers and the Currently Decrepit is the accusations of greed hurled at my generation while constantly demanding more free handouts for themselves. This article pretty well summed up my feelings.

Boomers have gotten our way ever since we arrived in this world, and the onset of gray hair, bifocals, and arthritis is not going to moderate our unswerving self-indulgence. We are the same people, after all, who forced the lowering of the drinking age when we were young, so we could drink, and forced it back up when we got older, so our kids couldn't. On top of that, we're used to the best of everything, and plenty of it. We weren't dubbed the Me Generation because we neglect our own needs, Junior. If politicians think the current geezers are greedy, they ain't seen nothin' yet.

Preach on, Brother Chapman. Today's old farts were given the biggest welfare entitlement in the history of the country, and they still want more. And they want us to pay for it. Fuck you, old man! Take your wrinkly ass back to work if your wonder drugs make you sprightly enough to poke your cane at my chest. My tax dollars have more important uses, like subsidizing photographs of crucifixes in jars of piss and funding studies on whether we need more studies of the practice of conducting studies. And the Boomers are even worse. As a demographic, they have been the most hedonistic, debased and self-centered generation since the last days of the Roman Empire. I don't expect their golden years to be a time of self-reflection and atonement, either. So what's the answer? Wean 'em off the tit, and fast. Seventy million people are fully expecting to drop out of the labor force and let John Q. Taxpayer pay for their hemmoroid cream and Viagra for the next 15 - 25 years. Well guess what? There aren't enough of us to support you, not even close. And when all of you start taking disbursements from your 401(k)s or IRAs at age seventy as you are required to by law, you're going to throw the stock market into the shitter. Start stocking up on cat food, old fogies, it's going to be a long winter. Or you can take action NOW. Take us home, Brother Chapman.

To avoid that fate, boomers need to recognize the need to stop writing checks that today's youngsters will have to cash. With the eager help of our own parents, we've created an entitlement that is fast becoming unaffordable. To bring Social Security into conformity with reality, we'll have to resign ourselves to a higher retirement age reflecting our prospective vigor and life expectancy. We'll have to accept more stringent controls on Medicare spending and take more responsibility for our own medical needs. We'll have to abandon our assumption that the point of the health-care system is to keep each of us alive forever. At some point (don't worry, not anytime soon) we will have to embrace a duty to stop functioning as a fiscal burden on our children and start serving as a nutritional resource for worms.





 
You Can Leave the Same Way You Came In

When I was a boy of about ten years, my family lived in a house in the Old Gentilly section of New Orleans. My family moved from house to house as our fortunes waxed and waned, which was quite frequently in those days.We stayed in the Gentilly house for seven years, quite a feat for a family who had once moved three times in an 11-month period.

What I remember most about that house was the pecan tree in the back yard. That tree held our first and only tree-house, lovingly built by my father and grandfather. The tree itself produced a good two bushels of pecans yearly - of the delicious and expensive paper-thin shell variety. I guess you have to be a Southerner to fully understand the importance of pecans. My brother and I had the job of picking up the pecans after they fell from the tree. It was tedious, unrewarding work, unless you count the benefit of not having the bottoms of your bare feet punctured by the points on the ends of the shells when you want to play in the yard.

One fall morning, by brother and I went outside to play, only to discover two black women on their knees in our back yard, filling their paper shopping bags with our pecans! We told our mother, who asked the women to leave. They promptly told her where to shove it, threatening her in the bargain.

The Sleeping Giant, my father, was awakened.

After being apprised of the situation, he immediately went to DEFCON ONE. Giving a brief lecture over the twin barrels of his Savage 20-gauge shotgun, he threw the thieves out of our yard and thus was the Gentilly Pecan Crisis resolved with no loss of life. Or pecans.

Now imagine if we had caught those two shitheels in our yard, where they had no right to be, and were told by the authorities that not only would they be allowed to stay in our yard, we must now provide them with a key to the gate so they could come and go whenever they pleased without having to jump the fence. Look at the blanket amnesty President Bush wants to give the ten million plus illegal aliens under the guise of a "guest worker" program. Yes, those are sneer quotes.

Guest Workers - more feelgood semantic horseshit from the same people who brought you "No Child Left Behind." I swear, if I am ever in a position to enact a bold social initiative, I'm going to call it "Get Off Your Lazy Asses," or "Quit Your Fucking Whining." How are these lawbreakers "guests"? Being a guest means that someone invited you to be here. WE DID NOT INVITE THESE PEOPLE HERE. THEY BROKE IN - ILLEGALLY!!!

Now, in my state you are within your rights to shoot an intruder. I'm not suggesting we shoot illegal aliens, just like my father didn't shoot those black women stealing our pecans, for which I am glad. He merely launched his bold social initiative entitled "Get Your Asses Off My Property," and backed it up with a credible threat of force. It got the job done - we never saw those two again.

But today in Bizarro America, not only do the pecan thieves have the right to stay on your property, you have to pay them for picking up your pecans, send in payroll taxes, pay for their low-income housing, pay for the schooling of their children, and pay for EVERYONE'S health care! I call bullshit on this plan scheme. Never mind all the reasons why this is totally unworkable and will result in MORE of our tax dollars swirling down the drain - that's enough for another entire post. It's the principles involved. It legitimizes illegal behavior that we've been fighting for decades. It's WRONG.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of President Bush, but he got some bad advice on this one. How is this different
than Gray Davis giving drivers' licenses to illegal aliens? Remember the outrage that caused? How is this not worse?

Hispanics who are here legally will not vote for Bush. They are union-organized, protectionist Democrat automatons and they will vote for the candidate they're told to by the Democrats. Their interests end at the tips of their noses, like most vocal minority groups. Flooding an already scarce labor market with desperate job-seeking banditos from south of the Rio Grande is NOT in Hispanic-Americans'best interests. They're bloc voters, like black Americans, and they have always historically voted for the Party of Taking Your Hard-Earned Dollars and Giving Them to the Bums Disenfranchised.

President Bush, you're sucking the wrong dicks - these people will not respect you (or vote for you) in the morning. You are at your most brilliant when you are at your least self-conscious and just Doing The Job. Being President. So quit acting like a man who's trying to get reelected and just BE OUR PRESIDENT.



Tuesday, January 06, 2004
 
On Blogging Writing

I've been away from the keyboard for quite a while now, mostly because of lack of time, energy, sleep, etc. When you have a newborn, doing nothing is a priceless luxury. It's hard to find the energy to write when you just want to relax. Which brings me to my next point.

What is it that I want to say? Mostly silly shit, if my work so far is any guide. What I don't want to do is just post links to other people's words with nothing to add. So much of the blogosphere is links with one or two sentence blurbs describing the tone or content. Frankly, I want my own words to define my site, not rely on others to make my point for me. I'm also not interested in hosting flame wars with liberal netgeeks monopolizing my comment space. Some sites seem to subsist on nothing but trolls and those who respond to them - I've heard wittier repartee' from the golddiggers on Joe Millionaire.

All I want to do is write, and for the most selfish of reasons - I like to. I'm flattered that some choose to come here and read what I've written and I appreciate all of your comments. Mostly, they come from the blogroll on the left side of the screen, and what they all have in common is that they are writers. Either that, or I think they have something unique that I've not seen anywhere else. Keep in mind, I am one lazy bastard about deleting inactive links or updating ones that have changed.

Anyway, my goal is to try to provide some content. Right here, in this space. Sure, it'll contain some links, but hopefully it will enhance, not detract from what I am trying to say. Thanks for reading, and we return shortly to our regularly scheduled vitriol.

Disclaimer: Management reserves the right to contradict the above statements without notice.