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Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Repatriate's Career Counseling Series Continues...

According to many economists, the economy is in the beginnings of a recovery, which means that jobs will soon be on the rise. Now, just because you need a job doesn't mean you deserve it. Not by any means. If you read my first lecture on getting hired you already know that there are many obstacles in the path to gainful employment. YOU, Gentle Readers, are the biggest of the aforementioned obstacles.

I am in the process of hiring five new employees. The first thing I do is place some ads seeking individuals with the skills necessary to perform the job listed. The second thing I do is read the resumes they send in. The third thing I do is laugh at some of them and share them with you.

In my quest to help my readers gain some valuable experience in resume writing, I tender the following tips:

Don't fax your resume from the unemployment office.
I don't want to interview you, decide to hire you, then have you not show up because you haven't exhausted your unemployment free ride benefits yet. At least have the initiative to drive to Office Depot and use their fax.

Don't plagiarize Ernest Hemingway's resume'
I get some people that list three or four jobs within the last 12 months, all in wildly different job fields. Some of these yo-yos have done every job from fry cook to executive assistant to salesman to door-gunner on the space shuttle, and all within the last year. Why not also add that you were first mate on the tramp steamer "Unemployable." And don't forget how Hemingway ended up.

Don't be related to my ex-wife
Now this is just going too far. I realize that my ex-wife's cousin had no possible way of knowing that I work for this company, but that is NO EXCUSE! How dare she seek employment in the same city in which I work? Begone, kin of Satan!

Don't be a stupid hippy
You would not believe how some people shoot themselves in the foot. I read one resume' last week that listed her job experience as an "Intuitive Counselor" at a local tea room located near the largest liberal arts college in the city. And no, she wasn't joking. I checked. Another hopeful accounted for her last 18 months by, and I quote, "traveling throughout diverse European countries, learning cultural traditions from a wide variety of Europeans and increasing my knowledge of European mores and customs." My lip has still not uncurled from the sneer that resulted from reading that disgusting multicultural feel-good tripe. Great, so you learned how lazy the Europeans are. I could have saved you the trip, and maybe you'd have a job. By the way, if you use the word "diverse" in a resume, you go directly to the shred pile.

If I hired you a month ago and you never showed up for the first day of work, don't send me another resume'
I have a LONG memory, people. I was tempted to bring her in for an interview just so I could fire her properly, but I was able to restrain the beast within. Just this once. If it happens again, I make no promises.

We have a new winner!
Yep, a 14 YEAR unexplained gap in work history. I think I may have finally caught the last remaining member of the Weather Underground. Wonder if she'll cut me in on the book deal?

The amazing thing is that I was able to sift through all this garbage to find four bright young (and one older) minds to help our company become more profitable. Just keep in mind - if you can't be employable, at least be entertaining.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Wanna Know Why They're Called Gangbangers?

Because "dumbass" was already taken.

I was at my local pistol range a couple of nights ago, and two lanes over were a couple of inner-city punks. You know the type - ultra baggy pants, oversized shirts, bandana, surly, don't-fuck-with-me-cause-I'll-kill-ya-biotch looks on their faces. I watched in amazement as these two idiots blazed away like Machine Gun Kelly, emptying entire magazines in a few seconds, and managing to hit paper only five times. That was after 30 minutes and shooting from SEVEN YARDS AWAY. One round even nicked my target... two lanes over!

No wonder so many innocents get shot by these morons, they can't shoot for shit! I have decided that the safest place to be when confronted by one of these armed primates is directly in front of them.

Just so they'd understand who'd be pissing on whose grave if we had a disagreement in the parking lot, I sent my silhouette out to 50 feet and put a seven-round cluster of .45 caliber goodness through the ten ring.

Ya feel me?

Thursday, September 11, 2003
Remembering September 11, 2001

I can't write much that hasn't been said already.


Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Somebody Needs a Regime Change

I was in Barnes and Nobles during lunch today and saw the cover of the new Time magazine which says The Saudis: Whose Side Are They On in the War on Terror? Let me give you a hint: they're not on our side.

Kinda narrows down the choices, doesn't it? Let's see, hmm... fifteen of the Sept. 11 hijackers were Saudi, Saudis were involved in planning the bombing of the USS Cole, bin Laden is a Saudi, and the Saudis refuse to crack down on the virulent anti-Western rhetoric spewed from the Wahabbi madrassas that their sandbox is riddled with.

When are we going to wake up and realize that THEY HATE US AND WANT US TO DIE? Liberals insist on viewing all cultures as basically identical, except for food and clothing. Sure, they're just like us - witness how many Americans infiltrated Saudi Arabia to martyr themselves, while blowing up hotels and schools. Zero.

I swear, the closer we get to the 11th, the angrier I get. The problem isn't a few crazies, the problem is the atmosphere that allows them to exist and flourish in hiding. Where are the Muslim clerics denouncing - in Arabic AND English these murderers? Sure, only a few Muslims committed these atrocities, but the majority either applauded or didn't care. I can still see those fucking Palestinians dancing in the streets on 9-11. For that reason alone, I say fuck the road map, let Israel wipe them out.

Islam is the problem. Xenophobia is hard-wired into their religion. Considering that it was founded by a murdering pedophile, I can understand. Islam is NOT a peaceful religion. They either want to kill us, convert us, or make us their slaves (dhimmi). The Koran is pretty specific in it's goal of worldwide conquest.

Until these backwards-ass camel-humpers update their religion, quit insisting on living like fucking animals and give up on trying to drag the rest of the world back into the seventh century with them, we cannot trust any Arab state. Arab = Islam. Islam = hatred of all non-Muslims. I'm tired of being told I need to try to understand and sympathize with them. My sympathy and understanding died on September 11, 2001. They need to understand something: If you kill our citizens, you must pay with your lives and freedom. Spew all the hatred and live in all the filth you want. Just keep that shit over there.

Can you dig it?

Un-Americans with Disabilities

I was looking at the credit report today of a man who had two sources of income listed. His primary source of income was his wages as a general laborer - loading/unloading trucks, carrying things from here to there, digging ditches - you get the idea. His secondary source of income comes from the U.S. Army, which pays his disability in excess of $800 per month. If you're experiencing a little cognitive dissonance after reading the preceding sentence, good. You are one of us.

I was released from active duty as an Infantryman on March 16, 1999. Before any soldier leaves the Army, you have to attend a 3-day course called ACAP, for Army Career Alumni Program. The course is designed to help soldiers transition from the military to the private sector. For many soldiers, the Army was either their first real job or it has been many years since they have had to look for a job. Appropriately, courses on resume' writing, interviewing techniques and job placement assistance are offered. The program also explains how to utilize benefits like your G.I. Bill, VA housing loan certificates and the like.

It was the last day that really pissed me off.

I had to attend a lecture on how to apply for disability pay given by a woman, an ex-soldier, who is currently on 100 percent disability pay and now teaches outgoing soldiers how to twist the system to their selfish benefit. This 100 percent disabled woman stood on her feet for six hours, manhandled a 30 lb. overhead projector, and proceeded to tell us that we were stupid if we didn't apply for disability. She went on about how to create a medical paper trail to support your bullshit claim - "Start going to sick call regularly - if you don't create some history for your complaint, they're likely to reduce or deny your benefits entirely."

It was all I could do keep from leaping from my chair and pummeling this whore to the ground. "NOW you're disabled, bitch."

Yes, you heard it correctly - your tax dollars are paying someone who is cheating the government out of your tax dollars to teach others HOW TO CHEAT THE GOVERNMENT OUT OF MORE OF YOUR TAX DOLLARS!

I have a news flash for you, people: sucking off the government teat is NOT the American way. Struggling to rise above your shortcomings and pounding the future into the shape YOU determine is what made this country great. Far too many of our people make their living trying to figure out new ways to screw us out of our hard-earned dollars, while refusing to provide anything in return. Hell, at least DANCE for my fucking money before I'm forced to hand it over - at least you'd be entertaining me. These people may be citizens, but I refuse to call them Americans. Americans work. Americans participate.

Now get the fuck out of my way, citizen. I have to get to work.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003
I Hate When They Do This

Another actor I used to enjoy watching on the silver screen has just shown his ass, from FRANCE. Like Ed Norton, another former favorite actor of mine, Johnny Depp has decided it's hip to bash all things American in front of his Eurotrash neighbors.

American actor Johnny Depp likened his native country to a "dumb puppy that has big teeth" in an interview published Wednesday, ridiculing Washington's confrontation with France, where he lives, over the war in Iraq.

The "Edward Scissorhands" and "Sleepy Hollow" star, who spends much of his time in the south of France with his companion, Vanessa Paradis, and their two small children, told the German magazine he couldn't see himself paying more than short visits to his Los Angeles residence in the present political climate.

"America is dumb, is something like a dumb puppy that has big teeth — that can bite and hurt you, aggressive," Depp was quoted as saying.

You know, I own a puppy with big teeth - I have a one year-old Labrador retriever named Einstein who is about 95 pounds of teeth and muscle. That's a little over 43 kilograms, Eurofags. Yes, he's pretty dumb, but he's loving, trustworthy and friendly. And he can also destroy a house singlehandedly or eviscerate anyone he thinks is a threat to me or my wife. So maybe you have a point, Johnny Dope. Just try to show some fucking respect.

Depp recalled that French fries were renamed "Freedom" fries in the House cafeteria on Capitol Hill at the height of U.S. anger over France's refusal to back the administration of President George W. Bush over the war in Iraq.

"Nothing made me happier than when I read that — grown men and grown women in positions of power in the United States government," Depp said. "I was ecstatic because they revealed themselves as idiots."

They only named them "Freedom Fries" because "Pussy Fries" did not have the same alliterative punch. Plus, they didn't want to alienate the women folk. Hating France is a co-ed sport.

Depp said he wanted his two children, ages 1 and 4, to experience the United States "like it's a kind a toy — a broken toy maybe. Investigate a little bit, check it out, get this feeling and then get out."

That's right kids! And while you're investigating, Daddy can get the feeling of my foot up his ass. You're so deep, Depp. Or is that the heroin talking?

America afforded you the opportunity to make your millions and run off to the south of France and shit all over the hand that fed you. Far from showing any gratitude, you scorn those who allow you to live your selfish, navel-gazing lifestyle. By the way, you may want to remind that German newspaper who brought them to their knees in World War II, then raised them back onto their feet. And while you're at it, remind your cowardly neighbors who saved them from the Germans. Here's something else to consider - Hitler put all the effeminate "artists" like yourself in concentration camps. So shove your snotty attitude up your ass, punk. This is one fan you'll NEVER get back. And stay the hell away.

Or I'll sick my dumb puppy on you.