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Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Dangers Abound

Especially in THIS GUY'S OPINION. John alerts us to "Booby Traps of Life" which include one of my pet peeves, the super-modified Honda Civic.

Rims, stereo, and anything else you want to do to your honda civic - Just save the money and buy yourself a nice car. That 10 grand you spent making your civic look like a lexus on acid could've gotten you a sober lexus in 2 years. And your car sounds like a weed whacker. No, it isn't really cool, it's really fucking stupid. Why not just put a neon sign on top of your car that says "I'm young and I don't have a lawyer. Pull me over!" Save the cash and get a nicer car, and keep it low profile for chrissakes.

Preach on, brother. Nothing says "asshole" like an $8,000 car with $10,000 of after-market parts added to it.

He may be only 23 years old, but this kid has some of the funniest writing I've seen. If you haven't checked out Collinization yet, get over there NOW.

Tell 'em Jeff sent you.

Found this site originally at Hi. I'm Black!, another blog to watch.

Sunday, June 22, 2003
Coon Ass Book Report

I bought three books while I was back in the Land of 100 Percent Humidity. Useful Idiots by Mona Charen, The Death of Right and Wrong by Tammy Bruce, and Dean Koontz' new book, The Face, which I am giving my mother first crack at, since I'll have a week to finish the first two.

I saw Tammy Bruce's book and was intrigued once I realized that there was a lesbian woman who was just as pissed about the liberal plot to indoctrinate our children as I am. Especially since she reserves her harshest criticism for the Gay Elite.

Excuse me while I recommend the book to my angry lesbian fan who was kind enough to show me the snakes in her head a couple of posts ago.

Okay, I'm back. Useful Idiots is all over but for a few pages, and it was excellent. For all those liberals who gave aid and succor to our enemies at a time when the threat of Communism was truly global and then thought they could scurry back into the dark once they were discredited, let this be one big-ass kitchen light snapping on in the middle of the night.

Conservatives have long memories. Kudos to writers like Mona Charen for dragging these revisionist suckbags back under the microscope for a new look at just what the Left really thinks about America.

And still does.

What a Week

I went back to Louisiana this past week and it was a doozie. Two weddings, one funeral. The home my wife and I are buying got inspected, the necessary (minor) repairs paid for by the seller, final approval was given for our loan, and all we have to do is go to act of sale on July 3rd.

I also got to feel my baby kick for the first time. Amazing.
What was also amazing were the new ultrasound pictures. Apparently, the previous ultrasound was the Mr. Magoo version. This was like the Hubble telescope. Our child's innards were laid out in ghastly display for us, the viewing audience. That's when I knew it was time to rename the PuppetMaster. Our baby is now:


I swear, we have a picture of the baby looking directly at the viewer, and it is a shot of a skull with googly eyeball blankly staring at you. Horrifying. It looks like one of the skeletons in the new movie Pirates of the Carribean. But I swear, he has his mother's skull.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Canadian StoolPushers Unite!

No, seriously, THEY UNITE! In marriage. It was only a matter of time, I suppose, before Sodom Ontario passed a law allowing homosexuals to make a mockery of the institution of marriage (please, save your hatred and flash photography until the end). In a flaming example of what is wrong with liberals these days, an Ontario appeals court redefined the legal nature of marriage.

In a decision which went further than any court in Canada, three Ontario appeal judges said excluding gays from marriage was unconstitutional and offensive.

"The existing common-law definition of marriage violates the couple's equality rights on the basis of sexual orientation under [the Charter]," the Appeal Court said in a unanimous, 61-page written ruling.

"Exclusion perpetuates the view that same-sex relationships are less worthy of recognition than opposite-sex relationships."

The Appeal Court also declared Ottawa's definition of marriage invalid and demanded it be immediately changed to refer to "two persons" instead of "one man and one woman."

"Exclusion perpetuates the view that same-sex relationships are less worthy of recognition than opposite sex relationships.

"In doing so, it offends the dignity of persons in same-sex relationships," said the judgement.

Wouldn't want to offend anyone, would we? The real victory is that the law takes place immediately and couples in Gomorrah Toronto are now rushing to get their marriage licenses. That way, when the law comes up for review in a couple of years, it'll be way too late, as the back door (nyuk, nyuk) has been swung open wide by those who already have recorded "marriages."

The first gay couple to legally become newlyweds were Crown prosecutor Michael Leshner and his partner Michael Stark, in a civil ceremony before a judge at the downtown Toronto courthouse.

"Today is the death of homophobia in the courtroom as we know it," declared Mr. Leshner, as he embraced and kissed his legal spouse.

As Mr. Leshner and Mr. Stark exchanged rings and sipped Champagne, several other couples picked up marriage licences at City Hall, after the court ordered Toronto to issue them.

You really needed to see the picture. Giddy as a couple of schoolgirls. Okay, here we go...

Now, I know all you champions of tolerance out there are gonna be in one big hurry to call me a homophobe. Let me clear the air right now.

I am not afraid of homosexuals, I merely disapprove of them.

Who am I to tell anyone what to do in private? Let me tell you a little story.
My college roommate, Brian, went to high school with a guy named Steven. Steven was not very bright and as a result, became the butt of many jokes that he still didn't understand once the punchline was revealed. One day, a bunch of the guys told Steven that if he microwaved a ham and cheese sandwich until it was just warm enough to melt the cheese, it exactly simulated the feel of a woman's vagina. Everyone assured Steven that they had already done so for themselves and that he should try it. Not a week went by when Steven announced that he'd be damned if that ham sandwich wasn't the best piece of ass that he'd ever had. Never mind that until that point it was the ONLY piece, the point is Steven is a ham-sandwich-fucking degenerate. Now, how would you judge him?

It is my belief that since homosexuality is not based on any natural precepts it is more in the nature of a sexual CHOICE. Pipe down, no one has any conclusive proof either way. That's why I said it was my belief.

Speaking of nature, marriage is how families are created. My wife and I are a family. With the assistance of some rum and a tropical beach on our honeymoon, we are now preparing to become a LARGER family. How can homosexual couples duplicate that? By adoption? Quit dodging the issue - adopted children are the product of a heterosexual union. In vitro fertilization with a surrogate mother? Sure, you could do that, and I suppose it would be natural, except for the fact that you need a team of doctors, sterile medical facilites and a woman willing to be an incubator for hire. All it took me and the wife was some Bacardi and a wink.

And if that is logical, then Steven and his ham sandwich should be allowed to marry and adopt or create test tube children. And why not? There is just as much "natural" connection between a man and his sandwich as there is between a man and his, well, MAN.

And my last point has to do stricly with how I feel. Aside from scientific fact, there is a deeper moral issue at stake. I don't want schools teaching my kids that all this is okay when I don't believe it is. The courts aren't raising my children, I am. We have a sick tendency in this society to excuse any type of behavior, as long as enough people are involved in it. Witness the abortion debate. Sometimes you have to put your foot down.

Just be careful what you step in.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003
So, When Does the Actual Peacekeeping Start?

In keeping with their national philosophy of "violence is not the answer," France has deployed troops to Congo to do...well, NOTHING.

"We're not here to disarm the militias," said Col. Gerard Dubois, a French military spokesman. "It's not in our mandate."[...]

[...]"We're here to reassure and to protect," French Brig. Gen. Jean-Paul Thonier said.

You'll have to forgive the Congolese if they're not reassured by the presence of the French.

"We hope they will put themselves between all the armed groups and the people," said Petronille Vaweka, president of the Ituri Pacification Committee, the transitional authority expected to run the province until democratic elections can be held.

But French commanders say they won't get in the middle of feuding militias.

"Separating the factions is not part of my mission," Thonier said.

He added that his mandate is limited to Bunia and its airport, and that his forces are relatively light in number. He was vague about whether his forces would stop weapons from entering Bunia, saying "don't tie me down to a mode of action right now."

Yep, keep those options open, mon General. Is surrender considered a "mode of action"?

Sunday, June 08, 2003
It's da Shizzle, my Nizzle

While surfing the comments at Misha's site I came across a comment by Political Pulpit who provided a link to the most powerful translation tool the world has ever seen:

Tha Shizzolator.

Put the drink DOWN. I guarantee you will snort/spew liquid all over your monitor after running any website through this translator. Here's a sample from when I ran Repatriate through tha Shizzolator:

Thanks izzall of yo' ass fo' taking a chance on da new boy n' shit. I'm flattered that yo' ass think highly 'nuff of something yo' ass read here recommend that shiznit yo' readers n' shit. Y'izzall sho make a fella feel welcome in this here Blogosphere." I promise get off Blog*Shite soon so yo' ass won't grind yo' teeth while linking here!

Check it out - dat shit be off da heazy!

Saturday, June 07, 2003
We're In the HOUSE!!!

I just got word from our real estate agent that our offer for the house we were bidding on was accepted! In celebration, and in absolute defiance of Canadian law, I am celebrating with a cold Bud Light. I only wish I could be in New Orleans right now to hug my wife - she's excited, too. Yes, gentle readers, feast your eyes on this 4 bedroom, 2 bath beauty situated near scenic Lake Pontchatrain. Okay, I have no pics for you - use your imagination. Finally, after living like a gypsy for the last year, a place to call home. Sigh...

It's Payback Time

Since I started blogging, I have come across many websites that I like well enough to want to read every day. They're in that list over to your left. Some of them I stumbled across, some of them stumbled across me! I got on the Blogosphere Ecosystem so I could see who was linking to me and thank them personally. Several truly class acts - blogs like Gennie's Dizzy Girl (kick ass theme song, too!), Serenity's Journal, Jaboobie and 2 Hard Boiled Eggs, Steve H. at Little Tiny Lies, Noel at Sharp Knife, in my opinion the wittiest writing out there.

Can't forget my alter ego Clubbeaux; undeniably one of the most skilled wordsmiths in blogdom. I also want to thank Nukevet and Analog Kid at Random Nuclear Strikes for being one of the most prolific conservative blogs on the web. JAY, you rock, too.

Thanks to all of you for taking a chance on the new boy. I'm flattered that you think highly enough of something you read here to recommend it to your readers. Y'all sure make a fella feel welcome in this here Blogosphere. I promise to get off Blog*Shite soon so you won't grind your teeth while linking here!

Now THAT'S What I Call "Family Planning"

Fellow blogger and part time pimp Geoffrey at DOG SNOT DIARIES is tired of his father pressuring him to settle down and have children, so he has acquiesed and decided to do the honorable thing: auction off his younger brother on the Internet.

It's time to resort drastic measures. I figure if I can get my little brother married off and starting a family, then I'm off the hook.

Geoffrey uses evocative language to create desire in his potential "clients."

He may not be the brightest bulb in the box, he cusses worse than me, has a lousy disposition, but he works!

Could this man sell ketchup popsicles to women wearing white gloves, or what? I have admired Geoffrey since I came upon his site, and since he revealed a side of himself willing to peddle his brother like a Filipino child bride, that admiration has only grown. Good luck, Geoffrey!

Catch the rest of the post HERE.

Thursday, June 05, 2003
Sounds Like a Deal to Me

If you aren't reading Steve H. at LITTLE TINY LIES at least once a week, then you are missing some of the wittiest writing on the web. In this post, Steve points out that Iraqi soldiers are demanding that the United States give them back pay, OR ELSE! This kind of fanatical zeal has only one logical conclusion - Islamonuts standing on streetcorners with cardboard signs reading "Will wage jihad for food." Or as Steve points out, maybe this:

Grocery Clerk: Sir, you have twelve items. This is the express lane.


The Best Thing About Canada is the Chinese

In a little over a week, I will be leaving Canada for good. Barring short returns to keep an eye on the business up here, I doubt I'll see much of the Toronto area again. Not that I saw much in the first place, as we suffered through a long, brutal winter that precludes getting outside much.

One thing I did enjoy very much was learning Kung Fu. Since I was a boy, I have always wanted to leap thirty feet straight into the air from a standing position and land, light as a bird, on a tree limb while taunting the minions of the Village Bad Guy, who would've provoked my ire by overturning my grandfather's vegetable stand for refusing to pay him "protection" money. Then I'd slip off the tree limb and fall on my enemies like the Thunder God, absorbing dozens of blows painlessly while dealing out furious Kung Fu Justice. The Village Bad Guy would show up, notorious for his deadly Snake style (you knew he was a bad guy if he practiced Snake style. Village Bad Guy would promptly get his shit owned by me, pummeling his hapless self with my superior Praying Mantis style, kicking here, punching there, wristlocking him over my knee and making wisecracks while he grimaced in pain. After I tired of punishing him, I would finish him off with One Fatal Blow - the standard Kung Fu fight ending.

I watched a lot of Kung Fu Theater when I was a boy. Does it show?

The point is, I got a chance to study kung fu under an internationally recognized master, Sifu Lee Chi Wai, a man who has dedicated his life since the age of five to the study and promotion of Chinese martial arts. Seeing as how he's forty-three now, you can imagine he is one bad motor-scooter. The truly amazing thing is that I managed to con my wife into taking the classes with me - mostly by telling her "It's just like yoga!" I swear, I will never realize what that woman sees in me.

Kung Fu, translated literally, means "skill gained through time and effort." They forgot PAIN. If you've never done stance training, you have no idea how much staying still can really hurt. The experience was both everything and nothing like I hoped it would be. The people at Chung Wah Gung Fu treated us like family and went out of their way to make us feel welcome in a country that is becoming increasingly hostile to Americans. We improved our fitness, learned some valuable skills, and some good lessons about how we interact with the world and want to treat, and be treated by others.

There is no standard belt-ranking system in kung fu, which is what I like about it. You know as much as you know. It's a journey that has only a beginning, and I want to thank Sifu Lee, Simo (his wife), Sihing Charles, Sihing Terence and all our classmates at CHUNG WAH GUNG FU for getting us started.

If you're ever in New Orleans, you have our number.

Does Anyone Care Anymore
What Hans Blix has to say?

Well, besides putting up this link?

Tuesday, June 03, 2003
The PuppetMaster says "Do You Feel Lucky, Punk?"

The creature who controls my wife's body from his Uterine Command Center animated her fingers long enough to send me THIS LINK to a story about the war being waged on his people - unborn babies. After scaring the shit out of us with super-detailed photos of his neighborhood, he cites the case of Laci Peterson, whose unborn child was murdered, along with her, by being cut out of her womb. Terrible, yes, but even more so by the fact that the pro-abortion crowd is fighting tooth and nail to avoid the unborn baby's death being labeled a murder. Let the shitstorm begin...

For decades, abortion opponents have offered moral and ethical arguments about protecting the fetus. Now they’re building a legal case, defining the fetus—and even the embryo—as an individual entitled to basic human rights. With the recent murders of Laci Peterson and her unborn son, Conner, nearly 9 months old, abortion-rights supporters are finding it increasingly difficult to claim credibly that a fetus just a few weeks, or even days, from delivery is not entitled to at least some protections under the law—but they vigorously argue against such laws anyway, fearing that giving a fetus rights will lead to the collapse of abortion protections. “If they are able to make fetuses people in law with the same standing as women and men, then Roe will be moot,” says Planned Parenthood president Gloria Feldt. On the other side of the debate, the anti-abortion camp strives to make laws protecting a woman’s right to choose seem absurd. “It’s not OK for the husband to kill his wife’s child, but it’s OK for the mother [to have an abortion]?”

Let me just go on record here. I believe abortion is wrong. How can you consider an unborn child less than human? As a popular bumper sticker in New Orleans reads: "Ya Mama Was Pro-Life, Dawlin'." I find it reprehensible that some women value maintaining their irresponsible lifestyles to the degree that killing a living human baby is preferable to the "inconvenience" of whelping a crumbsnatcher.
Here's a short primer for you ladies.
1. With today's contraceptives, it is easy and inexpensive (even free - they're giving away condoms!) to avoid becoming pregnant.
No contraceptive is one-hundred percent effective. That tiny failure rate means you could very well become pregnant. Think about that before you shuck your panties.
Men cannot become pregnant, only women. That is why it is YOUR responsibility to secure contraceptives, or accept the realities of life.

I don't want to force my beliefs on anyone - if you disagree, fine. I think this matter should be decided by the states in referendum. This matter is too important to leave in the hands of appointed hacks who do not represent the people whose lives they tinker with.

The matter seems clear to me - by dehumanizing the unborn, liberal harpies like Gloria Feldt can push their socialist agendas of running as many babies through the death mills as possible. Why? For one thing, to lull and desensitize the public to what happens on the operating tables. And for another, it's BIG BUCKS. The following is taken from an address Rep. Vito Fossella made before the House on Nov. 9, 1999. Read the entire speech HERE.

I have a copy of a brochure from a company called Opening Lines recently of West Frankfurt, Illinois, which has now moved its base of operations to an undisclosed location. This brochure boasts, `Our goal is to offer you and your staff the highest quality, most affordable, and freshest tissue, prepared to your specifications, and deliver it in the quantities you need when you need it.' [...]

[...]Mr. Speaker, Congress has spoken forcefully on the matter of selling aborted baby parts before. There is no question that it is illegal in the United States for any person to buy or sell fetal tissue effecting interstate commerce.

Yet, the documents we have here show very clearly that, if this is true, that anyone can buy whatever part of a dead baby may be decided. According to this brochure, it is $50 for ears, $150 for lungs and hearts, $325 for a spinal column, and a pair of eyes cost $50. But the buyer is offered a 40 percent discount for a single eye.

I do not have the words to describe the horror implicit in that statement.
But hey, they aren't human, right? Jawohl, Herr Mengele!

Now, you will never see me protesting or picketing an abortion clinic. I am not trying to force my belief system on anyone. But NEVER preach to me about a woman's right to choose. And never, EVER threaten my wife or child, or I'll show you what inhuman brutality is all about.
The PuppetMaster and I may disagree sometimes on the direction he's steering my marionette wife, but he never has to worry about one thing:

Daddy's watching out for us.

Naptime at Work? I'll Sleep On It
Portugal is really getting into the spirit of the European Union by contributing their unique essence to the greater whole: LAZINESS.

Already derided as the laziest nation in Europe, Portugal did nothing to invigorate its reputation yesterday when a member of Parliament launched a nationwide campaign to promote the afternoon nap.

"It is a tradition of our Mediterranean culture," insisted Jose Miguel Medeiros, a Socialist MP, in an interview with state radio.

It's good to be the best at something, isn't it? Portugal can finally crow "We're number one!" after wiping the drool off their lips and rubbing the crust from their eyes. But you're not alone in your sloth, mi compadres - check out how the rest of Europe fares:

Nearly 88% of Portuguese get almost no exercise and spend most of their time sitting down, according to the study by scientists at the University of Navarra in Spain. Portugal was followed by Belgium, where 71% of the people lead unhealthy lives. Spain, Germany, Greece, Italy and France also fared poorly. The healthiest people in Europe, according to the study, are the Swedes, where only 43% of the people lead sedentary lives.

"The prevalence of sedentary lifestyles in the EU is high, especially among obese subjects, less-educated people and smokers," said Navarra's Dr. Miguel Martinez-Gonzalez. "Cultural and demographic differences are still high between north and south countries in the EU and could explain a great part of the difference."
You know, when life pitches you a softy like this, you just have to swing for the fences. THIS is what all that 35-hour work week and five weeks paid vacation bullshit gets you: a lethargic, sedentary population that has ample time to criticize American culture between rounds of shifting their slovenly, corpulent bodies in a vain attempt to ward off bedsores. No wonder their leaders are so eager to form a socialist European superstate; who's going to object? Just promise to maintain them in their listless state by taxing the shit out of the Brits, the only hard-working Europeans in the bunch, and club the dissenters like fucking harp seals. God knows they'll be too sluggish to escape after nursing at the Eurotit for a few years.

Then we can render their lard to power our new fat-burning military technology...whaa...huh?

Hmph. Must've been dreaming.