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There's no place like home...

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Thursday, May 29, 2003
We Interrupt This Blog

I'm going back to Louisiana this weekend, so blogging will be light to non-existent. I'll try to harsh you filthy hippies and whiner liberals a bit more thoroughly when I return. Britain, don't you sign that European constitution before I get back. I've got some words for you, first. Have a good weekend everybody - God bless.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003
Why Ninjas Shouldn't Be Allowed to Drive

Geoffrey at DOG SNOT DIARIES has by far the best take on this story about a Florida woman who converted to Islam and is now suing the state because the DMV won't allow her to take her picture for her driver's license while wearing her veil. You MUST see the picture - a shapeless lump of black with a tiny slit showing two eyes. Geoffrey has some advice for this adherent to the "Religion of Peace."

If you want to get a license, show your ugly mug. If your "interpretation" of your religion and adhering to it's requirements is that important to you, then deal with it. No driving, cashing checks, or flying for you. Get fucking used to it. Walk, bitch.

I agree, Geoffrey. The really stupid part is that she knows better. She didn't come here from another country - she converted to Islam. That alone should earn her a spinning roundhouse jackboot to the cranium. God help us if we start making idiotic concessions to these wackjobs. Say, that reminds me, my wife needs to renew her license.

I think I'll have her wear her chicken suit.

Oy! That Aaron is Meshugeneh

AARON'S RANTBLOG truly has something I've never seen before: Jewish Haiku! Check out a couple of samples:

Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease

(for Passover)
Left the door open
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture
at my dinner table.

Posting blogspot links is usually not worth the effort - just go to May 27th - you can't miss it.

I'm Just Waiting for the Locusts to Come...

The Canadians must have really annoyed God somewhere along the line, because they are having some serious problems. In case you weren't aware, there has been another outbreak of SARS in Toronto. Eight more cases have been confirmed, another 2200 people have been quarantined, and the city is bracing itself for another round of hospital closures.

But not to worry! The Ontario health care system in conjunction with the mayor of Toronto have come up with a plan to battle this deadly virus: offering pro wrestling, auto racing, and baseball for the low price of $69.00!

Professional sports interests stepped up to the plate Tuesday in the battle against SARS by offering a special three-event package to attract tourists to Toronto this summer.
For $69 the week of July 8, you can Steal a Base, See a Race and Experience WWE SmackDown In Your Face - that's the motto for the campaign launched by baseball, auto racing and wrestling executives and athletes at a downtown Toronto restaurant.

That's right, folks. Pack up the kiddies and bring 'em to the WHO's newest declared Center of Infection for WWE's Cough and Hack In Your Face. If you can't cure 'em, distract 'em.

Yesterday in the mail I got a helpful information brochure from the Region of Peel telling me how to "Avoid the West Nile Virus." Great, now I have to worry about the mosquitos, too. Say, all this worrying is making me hungry. What's for dinner?

Not beef! Yes, the angel broke the third seal, and verily, there was MAD COW DISEASE. The beef industry in Canada has come to a screeching halt as a result of a single cow in Alberta testing positive for Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE).
I've been getting this nervous feeling, like I'm standing on the center of some cosmic bullseye. The local papers are quick to point out that you stand a better chance of dying in a car accident than contracting one of these diseases, and I'm sure they have a good point.

Just in case though, I'm building a padded bubble to live in until I go home.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Quell Temps?
C'est Time to Bash les Francais!
I found THIS link over at It is chock-full of French-bashing quotes. Feast your eyes:

“ As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.” - Jacques Chirac

“ As far as France is concerned, you're right.” - Rush Limbaugh

The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag," - David Letterman

“ I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” - George S. Patton

“ Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” - Norman Schwartzkopf

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jeff, isn't it time to let bygones be bygones and come together united as one global community?" My answer is, "shove it, hippy!" There wasn't much unity when France did everything they could to keep Saddam Hussein in power - one third of the French hoped that Iraq would defeat the U.S.It's the nail that sticks up that gets the hammer, and I aim to drive me a few. When will the French-bashing stop?

Around the time the dirt hits my coffin.

Saturday, May 24, 2003
This Hypocrisy Minute brought to you by Jaboobie

In a comment on my last post, alert reader and fellow conservative blogger JABOOBIE dropped this freebie in my lap. When will you filthy Europeans learn - you have to double-team me, or I'll hit the jumper from the corner every time. Apparently Belgium, who has declared universal jurisdiction in prosecuting war crimes, had a little problem with atrocities committed by their own troops during the 1993 U.N. mission to Somalia.

The story at shows graphic photos of Belgian peacekeepers holding a child over a fire, carving trophies off a Somali corpse, and urinating in the face of what is a presumably dead Somali. Two Belgian paratroopers were arrested. What about the third asshole who was taking the picture? What happened to him?

Speaking of war crimes, it seems canadian paratroopers are also guilty of committing murders while assigned to the Somalia mission.

"Canadian peacekeeping efforts during the UN Somalia mission were tainted by charges of torture and murder. On March 4, 1993, Canadian sentries at Belet Huen shot two Somali infiltrators, one fatally, while stationed on a UN famine relief mission.

Almost two weeks later, troops captured, tortured and killed 16-year-old Shidane Arone, who was caught sneaking into the compound by Canadians. Pte. Elvin Kyle Brown was convicted in 1993 for the beating-death.

Attention pot, this is kettle. As it turns out, you are black. It's nice to see liberal leaders of European and wannabe European countries hoisted on their own petards. One thing confuses me - where are all the calls to put Jean Chretien on trial for war crimes? Belgium is eager to prosecute Gen. Tommy Franks and Ariel Sharon - what about Jean-Luc Dehaene, prime minister of Belgium at the time of the incident? Shouldn't they both be put on tri...say, aren't those both French names? Bottom line, you Belgian idiots can't claim the moral high ground - having no leg to stand on automatically disqualifies you. And one more thing...

You touch Tommy Franks and we'll kill you.

Friday, May 23, 2003
Save me a wing and a thigh

A Gaggle of Gals (and one Guy) have recently posted THIS GEM about the Pygmy tribes in the Congo being hunted down and EATEN by both government and rebel forces.

More than 600,000 pygmies are believed to live in the Congo’s vast jungles, where they eke out a subsistence existence. Both sides in the war regard them as “subhuman”, and believe that their flesh can confer magical powers.

I don't understand why they're so worried, there ARE U.N. peacekeepers on the ground.

...... About 750, mostly Uruguayan, UN peacekeepers are stationed there, but they do not have the authority to use lethal force. Kofi Annan, the UN Secretary-General, has asked France to lead an emergency force to stabilise the region.

Ever notice how wherever there are "peacekeepers" stationed, you are pretty much guaranteed to find mass slaughter goin on nearby? Hmph. Weird. Anyway, not to worry, the French are on the way and I'm sure they'll be able to sort this whole mess out.

After all, it is a culinary dispute.

Are you filthy hippies satisfied YET?

In another example of the failure of liberals to distinguish right from wrong comes THIS STORY from New York Newsday debunking the claim that U.N. sanctions caused the death of "1 million Iraqi children." Now that Iraqi doctors are free to talk without fear of having their nipples shocked and their families executed, they are eager to tell the world how the money from the U.N.'s Oil for Food program, sufficient to supply ALL of Iraq's medical needs, was diverted to supply the Iraqi military (with French and Russian weapons) and build Saddam's fifty or so presidential palaces.

Under the sanctions regime, "We had the ability to get all the drugs we needed," said Ibn Al-Baladi's chief resident, Dr. Hussein Shihab. "Instead of that, Saddam Hussein spent all the money on his military force and put all the fault on the USA. Yes, of course the sanctions hurt -- but not too much, because we are a rich country and we have the ability to get everything we can by money. But instead, he spent it on his palaces."

The good doctor goes on to explain how hospitals were forced to keep recently deceased babies in refrigeration for up to a month, when they were collected and put in tiny coffins on the roofs of taxis in a macabre parade through the city. All of this in a propaganda effort to show what heartless and coldblooded baby killers the U.N., and more specifically, the United States were.

Now that Iraqi health-care workers can speak openly about Hussein's exploitation of their youngest patients, the courageous words of one doctor, who took his life in his hands to speak in hushed English out of the hearing of the government minder in another Baghdad hospital in May 2001, can be seen as a majority viewpoint.

"The people can't say what they really feel," the doctor mumbled two years ago. "It's the political regime that's the problem. Of course they blame the government."

God bless you for your courage, doctor. "But the war was illegal!" the socialist granola set sputters. "Only the U.N. can approve the use of force!" Now that the question of legality (which technically, never was IN question) is rendered moot, and as it turns out, we don't need the U.N.'s approval to protect our national interests, the unwashed, flip-flop shod masses are decrying the "illegal occupation" of Iraq. "Only the U.N. can administer a transitional government." Before I have to administer you a bitch slap, perhaps you'd be interested to know that the U.N. endorses U.S., British role in Iraq. Damn, that's gotta hurt. Yes, the Security Council voted 14-0 to give the "United States and Britain a mandate to govern Iraq and use its oil riches to rebuild the country." Syria, in a non-surprise move, did not show up to vote.

Now if you filthy mongrels with your tired arguments aren't feeling thoroughly refuted by having your britches pulled down by your Holiest of Holy organizations, the all-knowing and all wise U.N., it's still not too late to rally behind another murderous dictator like Fidel Castro or Kim Jong Il. But hurry, because supplies are running out! Apparently, the U.N. does know who it's daddy is.

And his name is Uncle Sam.

Thursday, May 22, 2003
Thanks for making my point for me

THIS STORY dovetails nicely with the piece I did on the meaning of the word "repatriate." The boys at RANDOM NUCLEAR STRIKES are getting it done nicely, in my humble opinion, in a post about an illegal immigrant who called a press conference to discuss her sexual harrassment suit against Krispy Kreme and no one showed up to arrest her.

This twenty year old "woman" says she eventually gave in to her boss' demands for sexual favors because she feared losing her job, the money from which went to support her two children, ages seven and four. If you did the same quick calculation I did, you might conclude that the money would have been better spent on a tubal ligation. Babies having babies. Don't worry, I'll do a post on that some other time.

The point is, this woman should be deported. Immediately. She certainly has no right to be here flaunting our federal laws while expecting to cash in on our national fetish for absurd punitive damages awards. Note to self: work on post citing the need for tort reform.

If she really was coerced into having sex with her boss, that is a form of rape. He certainly is guilty of falsifying her I-9 form. If her manager is found guilty in criminal proceedings, then he should be punished appropriately. Why do you think instead of pressing criminal charges or suing him directly, she instead chose to sue Krispy Kreme, a multi-million dollar international corporation? If you don't know the answer, find the nearest couch and lie down. You must be tired.

Regardless of the guilt or innocence of the accused, this woman is guilty. If she was clever enough to avoid detection up to this point, I have no doubt that she will find a way to provide for her family. Just don't expect us to foot the bill.

I've Renamed Our Baby...Again

Yes, our critter has been gestating for over 4 months now. When my wife and I saw the first ultrasound picture, its name jumped right out at us - "Bean." It looked exactly like a kidney bean. For all I know, it was a bean and we were looking at her stomach.
At our next appointment, the Bean had mutated into a creature with limbs, a spine, eyes - none of which were captured on the picture that the doctor printed out. Our Bean had become..."The Lump." Yes, we framed ultrasound pictures of our Lump for both future grandmothers..."now Mom, you're going to REALLY have to use your imagination here..." No, Mom, that's it's ass. Sigh. It's still a couple of weeks until the next doctor's appointment and I've been thinking to myself, "Jeff, you really need to stop being so concerned about appearances. After all, you said you just wanted the baby to have ten fingers, ten toes, and clearly defined genitalia." I realized I was right. Hell, my baby has personality. I should give the baby a name that reflects its personality. That's why I have decided to rename our child:

The PuppetMaster.

This quarter-pound creature is not inside my wife, it is wearing my wife like a skin suit. It's like that tiny green alien in the first Men in Black movie that was riding inside the head of that android. Only THIS alien spilled coffee on the control panel, sparks are spitting all through the cockpit, and it's screaming "Mayday! Mayday!" into the radio. And it hungers.
My poor wife is going through moods like Imelda Marcos going through the bins at a sidewalk Prada sale. She is by turns weepy, laughing, morose, frustrated, and almost always tired. Mustn't forget hungry. This tiny lady with the round belly is eating for endurance. Not huge meals, but LOTS of small ones (I told you, The PuppetMaster hungers. Oh yes, it hungers).

And I've never seen her look more beautiful.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003
What a Difference a Week Makes

I've been at this for a week now and have received encouragement from some of the writers I admire most in blogdom. It's a difficult thing to begin writing. It's something I've been meaning to do for quite some time, but have put off for fear of having nothing interesting to say. So sincere thanks to NOEL, STEVE H. and WILD for kindly linking my site. I will do my best to be worthy of such august company.


At least, I think so; I haven't seen this anywhere else on the web yet. While reading my copy of the NATIONAL POST I came across this gem:

U.S. interrogators are breaking the will of Iraqi captives by forcing them to listen to endless repetitions of Barney's theme song, I Love You.

I am not making this up. And the best part of it is that the human rights activists are against it!

Human rights activists say the interrogation technique may violate international principles and induce severe psychological suffering in captives

Well, no shit! I can't stand listening to it even once. As one U.S. Army interrogator said of his training, which consisted in part of listening to I Love You for 45 minutes, "I never want to go through that again." Preach on, brother.

Carroll Bogert, of Human Rights Watch, said the UInited States could be violating prohibitions against cruel and unusual punishment.

"A treatment that is intended or would be reasonably expected to inflict sever psychological suffering on an individual would be condemned."

Well, you can't make an omlette without breaking some eggs, Carroll.

Just be glad Barney is on our side.

There truly is no place like home. This past year is not the only time I've lived outside my beloved country. From January 1997 to January 1998 I was serving as an Infantry sergeant at Camp Hovey, Republic of Korea (1st BN, 9th IN (M) - Manchu, sir! Keep Up the Fire!). I also spent some time in Europe in 1988. Without getting all smarmy, I feel I've been around and seen some things. In all my travels, it has become ever more clear:

This is the best country on Earth. Period.

So, the word "repatriate" spoke to me as soon as I realized I had become an expatriate, and that I would always return to this land that I love with all my heart.
The verb form of the word describes what I believe our country should do to certain classes of people. I am talking about ethnic groups, but only subsets of those groups.
This country was founded by immigrants, and I am not suggesting we should close our borders (although we should definitley tighten them up). My family is Cajun-French in heritage. My wife's family is Italian - Sicilian to be precise. We both have family that are Irish, Latin, English, and so forth. What we all have in common is that we love the United States of America. We grew up saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning, meaning every word. We stand during the playing of the Star-Spangled Banner, remove our hats, and sing along, hands over our hearts. We do not define ourselves by our varied ethnicity. We are Americans, first and foremost.

Here's my gripe. There are people that come to this country whose first loyalty will ALWAYS be to the land from which they came. They come here and suckle at Lady Liberty's patinaed teat and espouse nothing but hatred and scorn for this country which gives them the dream for which they yearned. To hear them speak, their country of birth was much better than America - so why didn't they stay there? Well, because they're full of shit. Time and lunacy distort their memories and they tend to idealize what they do remember. Kind of like how when your friend shaved a strip in your head while you were sleeping forcing you to shave the rest or face walking around with a reverse-mohawk for three weeks until it grows out. It's funny now, but it wasn't fifteen years ago when you were chasing him down with murder in your eye.

The beauty and the tragedy of America is that anyone can espouse any view, at any time. What makes our country great is that it embraces those who hate it. But when you act on that hate, and Americans get hurt, you must die. That's why I favor repatriating, forcibly if necessary, those who come here to preach hatred of America and recruit others to carry out their terrorist agendas. I believe that if we keep these nuts at arms length, it will be that much harder for them to walk among us unnoticed. Any student of military history knows that wars are won on logistics. We need to eliminate the base of support in this country for those who would see it destroyed.
I'll be back amongst my family and my countrymen soon, and that is as it should be.


I'm Finally Going Home

And damn, it feels good.

In a meeting with me yesterday, my boss informed the other two principals of our company that I would be returning home by approximately June 15.
For those of you who don't know me, (and if you're reading this, that would be every visitor to this site minus my wife) I have been living and working in Canada since last July. Now what the hell is a Louisiana boy doing so far from home in such an inhospitable climate? I just told you - working. Try to keep up. It has been a long, brutal winter and now I am ready to "un-ass the area," as we used to say in my warmongering imperialistic U.S. Army days. My wife was here with me until two weeks ago, but she is having pregnacy-related issues and had to fly home to be near her doctor and our families. I am happy to repeat that I will be joining her shortly.
This brings us to the reason why this blog is named "Repatriate."

SYLLABICATION: re·pa·tri·ate
TRANSITIVE VERB: Inflected forms: re·pat·ri·at·ed, re·pat·ri·at·ing, re·pat·ri·ates
To restore or return to the country of birth, citizenship, or origin: repatriate war refugees.
NOUN: (-t, -t) One who has been repatriated.
ETYMOLOGY: Late Latin repatrire, repatrit-, to return to one's country : Latin re-, re- + Latin patria, native country; see expatriate.

This is the kind of History

They don't teach in school today, and it's also why I visit LITTLE TINY LIES every day. There's something wrong with Steve, and I hope they never find a cure for it. Peter Arnett wishes he had the kind of access Steve H. has inside the personal life of Osama been Hurtin'. Via his "Fict-U-Lizer," we get a peek at al Qaeda's bench.

THESE GALS don't do permalinks, but what they write is absolutely top notch. So much so that they now have a permanent home on Repatriate. Check out the post on May 20th titled "Mainstream America Doesn't Want Smut? Tell Me It Ain't So!" I had a lot of fun in their comments section. The basic gist is that Wal-Mart averages 50% of all nationwide sales of bestselling albums, books and DVDs. Wal-Mart has certain (conservative) standards about what they will and will not sell in their stores. You will not find gangsta-rap CDs, hate literature (I hope that includes Norman Mailer and Noah Chomsky), or what we used to call back in the day, "titty movies." Wal-Mart is a family-oriented business, which reflects their customer base - the conservative majority in America.
The whining begins when those who produce the aforementioned items complain that they are being unfairly shut out of the marketplace. I say "Pshaw!"

Here's a short business primer for you liberals, who can't succeed in the business world because you do not live in the business world: Sam Walton did not grow one store into the largest retail chain on the planet by offering something for everybody. He did it because he knew what the majority of the people want, because he shared the same values that the majority shares - conservative values. If you want a market to sell your shitty music, titty movies, and racist diatribes, go find a store that will carry them or build one of your own. Wal-Mart owes you NOTHING. Just like I owe you nothing. Well, not entirely true.

I owe you a beating.

Sunday, May 18, 2003
Keep Cutting

Until you hit the gooey center, dumbasses. Aaron's Rantblog has another fine example of why these Muslim fanatics cannot be allowed to manage their own affairs. To commemorate the seventh century killing of imam Hussein, grandson of the pedophile prophet Mohammed, Shi'ite Muslims walk the streets chanting their favorite tunes, "Death to America" and "Death to Isreal" and slicing their heads open with knives.

On Purpose.

Now friends, I'm all for these idiots hacking away at themselves. Hell, I'll offer to help - I even know how you can get the blood to REALLY flow. Just start sawing on the side of the neck. To see how the stupidity just keeps on rolling, check this site out. I especially dig the pics of toddlers dressed as suicide bombers and parents carving up their kids' foreheads, grinning manaically while the kid screams in terror and pain. That's "true" Islam, folks. Mohammed would be laughing his perverted ass off at all these idiots mutilating themselves. And ultimately, THAT'S why the Arab world will never get their shit together. They're just too damn crazy.

The Problem with Canada

Is that it's full of Canadians, to paraphrase Edward Longshanks. Still, I have to admit that it is a beautiful country. Today I walked eighteen holes with my father-in-law at Carlisle Golf Club. If you're ever in the Toronto area, and God help you if life demands that of you, you could do worse than a day out on these links. And if you don't play, the drive through the country is worth the trip. The temperature was 68 degrees with a light breeze, the sun was shining, and I was hitting pretty well. All in all, a beautiful day. I tell you, this place is totally wasted on the Canadians. Why haven't we annexed this place yet?

Couldn't have said it better myself

So I'll let JARED from Politiblog say it for me. All know of my hatred for Helen Thomas. And if you didn't, you do now. Found this coutesy of Misha at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler.

He's got game

THIS bleat made me miss home even more. Reading about Gnat was never my favorite part of Lileks' site, but the further along our critter gets, the more I find myself daydreaming about future Christmas Eves, assembling bikes and toys at two in the morning, rummaging through junk drawers and cursing because the stupid manufacturer didn't give you enough bolts to finish the job. And then seeing looks of delight and wonder on his?her? face when they rub the sleep away to see what Santa brought them. Sigh... I can't wait to get home. I can't wait to hug my wife. I can't wait to hold my new baby. Damn you, Lileks, damn you.

Saturday, May 17, 2003
Belgian foreign policy must be to blame

If Al-Qaeda isn't careful, they might just piss off their friends. If you want a classic example of why you just can't be nice to people, this is it. After the bombing in Saudi Arabia two days ago, apparently bin Laden's boys thought their constituency could use a little thinning, only this time in Morroco. Apparently, one of the targets in last night's wave of bombing was the Belgian consulate.
Yes, Belgian.
I guess all that rootin' for Saddam didn't buy much goodwill in the Arab world. You can't reason where reason holds no sway. All due respect to Jesus, but with these Islamofascists, turning the other cheek should only happen because you're executing a spinning roundhouse kick. Maybe this will serve as a wake up call to all those apologists for fundamental Islam.

And maybe pigs will fly out of my butt.

At least he still has his health and his ears...

The New York Times, obviously unimpressed with concrete evidence of Saddam Hussein's mass slaughter of Shi'ites after the first Gulf War, manages to point out a REAL ATROCITY. Apparently, Muhammad al-Tamimi claims that he was roughed up by a British soldier and unfairly detained after British forces "contained a fierce counterattack by Hussein loyalists in Basra." Now correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the majority of Hussein's loyalists pose as civilians, falsley surrender, only to open fire again and herd women and children in front of them like human shields? Yet, this ninny complains that he was an innocent civilian who wasn't involved in the fighting.
If I had just spent the last two weeks getting shot at from every direction and I was confronted with a crowd of men yelling in Arabic and waving tattered documents written in Klingon, I might just put the boots to a few of them myself. At least he's still around to bitch about it. Saddam's standard punishment for deserters and those who surrendered was cutting off one or more ears, torturing and murdering a few family members, or both. An American-run detention camp was the safest place Muhammad could have spent the war, and I GUARANTEE he got at least two meals a day.

Should have charged him for room and board.



Blogroll has landed where I wanted, comments are installed (they may not work worth a damn, but there they are), and I am ready to rumble. This HTML stuff isn't so hard. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. now if only I had someone to pick on...

Friday, May 16, 2003
Okay, had to get edumacated quickly on this HTML thing, and after 15 minutes of staring with glazed eyes and slack jaw at an HTML "basics" site, I believe I am ready to begin.

First of all, I am starting this blog to be able to bitch to the masses about what ails me. I got turned on to blogs fairly recently and was astounded by all the pioneers of conservative thought and humor. People like Sharp Knife, whose intelligence and wit I admire, and would admire more, if only he'd write more! Acidman is a cantankerous Cracker my wife would never let me hang out with. One of my favorite blogs is run by Wild, a writer who is by turns funny, smart, and usually topical.

I guess I was sick of only being able to post comments to other people's sites when I felt I wanted a more visible forum; it's always more cathartic to make everybody suffer rather than just one person! I hope whoever reads this doesn't take themselves too seriously.

Now, if I can just figure out how to add a blogroll and comments, I'll be set.

Thursday, May 15, 2003
I promise, I WILL beat this damn blog into submission, and there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth when I am done.